Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Worst Mother of the Day

I have crowned myself the worst mother of the day, actually of yesterday. So far, today is going okay. 

Yesterday, I was sleep deprived and then my dog and the postman did something very annoying (tomorrow's post), and so I was a little grumpy and short fused. To top it off, Jason was not going to be home until 8pm. He is usually home early and very helpful so I am spoiled. 

It all started with Ty. I had been doing laundry all day and had everything neatly folded on the laundry room counter. He decided that he needed a basketball uniform that had been washed. He pulled it from mid-stack and the stack tumbled to the floor. He left it there. I found it. I called him over to explain that he could not just pull clothes out of the pile and to show him what he had done. While I was talking to him about it, he started to mimic me, opening and closing his mouth with no sound coming out and making his eyes big. I nearly lost it. He was making fun of me while I was lecturing him. He is only four!!!!!!

I sent him to his room. He hates that because he really has a very hard time being alone upstairs. I secretly enjoyed knowing that. Am I horrible? 

I then gave him a lecture about disrespect and he was not allowed to wear any costumes or sports uniforms for the rest of the night. This was sheer torture for him. 

This isn't even the bad part. I am just telling you what led up to the really bad mother part.

I was then making dinner, secretly delighting that I just needed to make a kid dinner because Jason wasn't home. This consisted of baked dinosaur chicken, carrots with ranch and cut up apples and nectarines. So much easier than a full meal. The chicken was baking in the DeLonghi toaster oven, not the big oven. It was finished cooking.

I went to take it out of the very tiny toaster oven, not a real oven, and as I pulled the rack out of the very tiny oven, the rack hit the corner of the cabinet and bounced back towards me. The only problem was that I was holding Vance in the other arm, trying to keep him happy during his slightly fussy time at night. He screamed- only for a few seconds and then calmed down.

I thought maybe it had burned his foot. I checked it, but didn't see any mark. I ran it under cool water anyway. Then I thought maybe the noise had just scared him. 

I picked up a few of the pieces of the chicken from the floor and served my gourmet dinner. And yes, I did serve the dropped pieces and yes, I'm horrible. 

Normally, TV is off limits on school days. But I was sleep deprived and the baby was fussy and so I let the kids watch a movie until Jason got home. 

When he got home, he took one look at me and said, "Are you okay?" as he picked up the baby. He has always been able to read me in a moment. I thought I was doing okay after the movie break, but apparently not. Then we put the kids to bed. As I came out of Luke's room, he said, "Did you see this on the baby?"

I looked at Vance's leg and this is the moment when I wanted to throw up and cry at the same time. There was a small burn mark on his lower leg. I want to fix it and make it disappear as if it never happened. My 1 month old's skin is damaged and I did it. The idea of a newborn being hurt and his skin being damaged for the first time makes me sick to my stomach. I treat the burn and kiss his head and tell him how sorry I am. 

We finally make it to bed and I pray for it to heal quickly and for there to be no scarring. And then I think that this how I need to pray over the whole lot of my parenting. 

Father, please heal any invisible wounds that I, in my humanness, inflict on my children and please cover the wounds so there will be no scars.

So, just in case you were feeling like the worst mother of the day, you are not. 

That crown is mine. 


Alisa said...

Oh Sweetie!! We ALL have those days/moments of feeling like we are the worst moms. Mine came when Tyler was only 7 months old. I'm not sure if I even ever told you this story. I'll give you the short version...I fell walking UP stairs to my front door in LC holding Ty on my hip and tripped on the last stair. I then proceeded to catch myself and rammed both Tyler and my head into the door as I was falling. Tyler screamed so loud and wouldn't stop crying. His head was indented from it and after 911, ambulance ride, ER, pediatricians office, neurosurgeon's office, Tyler ended up having skull surgery a month later. I am still traumatized by my mistake, and Ty has a great big 'S' scar on his head. (which Dad keeps telling him will look cool when he shaves his head for football...lol) I just thank god that we had a guardian angel watching over us that day and there was no real damage done. Cosmetic surgery only. Tyler tells a great story today about it. It still makes my stomach sick each time I hear it, because it was my fault. However, I have forgiven myself as you should to, because we are only human and we make mistakes. Thus, the reason we live in OC now, because the morning I did it, Shane was commuting down here for work. He was stuck in traffic trying desperately to get to Verdugo Hills not knowing the outcome of my fall. Poor guy!! It took him 2 hours to get from Anaheim to La Cres. Anywho, hope this makes you feel like you're not alone!! Vance will definitely forgive you =)!! I love you my friend!!


Farmgirl Paints said...

Yay! Someone else gets the title for a day. I'm sure tomorrow I'll be wearing the crown again:)