Abundance

Yesterday I was waiting for Mr. Baseball to come home so I could run a few errands sans children. You know, since I am home all day with them, it would be a nice break to actually go somewhere by myself. I timed it right, fed Little Bear so he would be content when I was gone, and then said to Mr. Baseball- I want to run to the store, can you keep the baby?  His reply was that he needed to enter some stats on the computer right now. You know, baseball stats from our past tournament this weekend. Side note- He will remain Mr. Baseball and not regain his former name of Hottie Husband until this nonsense ends. Additional side note- I would not be tattling on him like this if it were not of importance to my story.

So, I was irritated at this point and so as to really show him, I grabbed my keys and I put all the kids in the car and went to the store. Yah, I bet that quiet house with nobody saying, "Dad, dad, dad, daddy, dad." while he entered those stats really got him good!

I needed some clothes for Little Bear, so I went down to this local shop a few blocks away and picked out a few things. As I was paying for them, the clerk was commenting on Little Bear's cheeks. He was facing her in the bjorn so she couldn't help but notice them. She asked if he was a good baby. This is a question that I always find a little odd because if your baby is difficult, you would never say, "No, this is a bad bad baby!" Anyway, I told her that he was extremely easy going and just so fun to have. Then we got on to how many I have and she quickly realized that he was my fourth boy. Then she asked the very common question that I get, "Were you hoping for a girl?" Another odd question at this point because it does not really matter, but I said truthfully, "Yes, I was, but I wouldn't give this guy back for anything. I always wanted four and I am so thankful that I got my four."

Suddenly a woman ,who had been standing back waiting for her turn to pay, stepped forward. She was extremely thin with long straight hair and a hard but sad look in her eyes. She looked at me and said in a flat hard voice, "You should be thankful, my kid died." 

I was stunned. A bit flustered, I said, "I am thankful, I'm very thankful. I am so sorry." She looked away from me and shook her head, angry. I stood in the store for a moment, trying to think if there were something else I should do or say as she walked up to pay for some little girl's clothes she had in her hands. I wondered who they were for. Did she have another child? Not that it would matter. How did she lose her child? What could I do or say to help?

She started talking to the clerk.

I walked out of the store. 

People's pain doesn't scare me. I hurt for them, but I am not scared away by it. And obviously, her anger was an expression of her deep pain. Something about me so casually talking about "my four", my abundance, had brought that pain which was already bubbling to the surface, out for all the world to see. If I was in that much pain, I think I would want people to know too-just not to feel like I was pretending everything was okay when it very much was not.

I am still wondering today if I blew it, if there is something I could have said to her that might have made some difference. I'm wondering if the Lord could have used me in some way to help her heal. But, even as I think it, I realize that it is quite arrogant of me to think that anything I could have said would have made a difference. She had lost her child. 

So I went home.

I went home to my abundance. 

I went home to my husband. My husband, who although had irritated me today, loves me , makes me feel beautiful every day and helps me immensely. 

I went home to my four little boys, who are sometimes contrary, rambunctious and sports obsessed, but who are great kids who make me laugh every day. They are healthy and they are here.

I went home to my life and felt a little guilty for it. I know I had never done one thing to deserve this abundance. I also know that the woman in the store had not done one thing to deserve losing her child. 

Life is unpredictable and ever changing. 

So, I come back to what I always come back to. I will rejoice. I will not waste one day in anger or fear or worry. I will give thanks for this day that the Lord has made. 

The woman had said, "You should be thankful." 

She is right. It would be a slap in her face if I wasn't.