I wasn't asking for a fix, I was just... well... sharing.... my .... feelings!
That sweet man of mine went out and bought me this book.
You can't really click to look inside because I stole borrowed the image from Amazon.
I read the cover- She's Gonna Blow- and started bawling!
He looked stunned.
What is wrong?
You think I am an angry mother!
Well, honey you said that you felt like you were mad all day long and I heard this lady interviewed on the radio and she was funny and I thought you might relate and I thought the book might help.
But, you really do think I am an angry mom.
Sigh- No, you said you were!
But, the thing is, I really was an angry mom. I was struggling to try to make our home look and our wild energetic young boys behave as I had always imagined it. I was trying to control everything and it wasn't working very well. So I became frustrated and angry on a daily basis and I am sure that my boys (all of them) didn't find me to be much fun to live with. I certainly didn't enjoy living with myself.
The best thing that this book taught me was that I wasn't alone. I remember looking at all the other moms and thinking - they don't look angry. But, maybe I didn't look angry in public either. But, Julie Barnhill shares some doozies in this book. She talks about nearly throwing her child on the bed, so angry that her child kept getting out of bed during nap time.
I remember that being such a frustrating time. I just wanted my kids to sleep during nap time so I could have a moment, and when they wouldn't, my blood would boil.
Buying this book for me turned out to be the right thing because it made me face the fact that I was angry. And that it wasn't a good thing. It wasn't good for me or my boys or our home life in general. But, was it my fault? I blamed my wild energetic boys. They only listen if I yell! They are disobedient! They act like crazy people!!!
But, do you fight a tornado with a tornado? Can a crazy yelling person calm a crazy pair of boys? NO. I was the adult and I needed to stop being angry, relax a bit, and find ways to discipline that took me out of the equation and made them responsible for their actions. I needed to stop sinning against my children and I needed to apologize.
This was years ago and I think just realizing that being that angry was not okay was enough to change me. However, it does not mean that it is still not something that I struggle with. My hormones have been all out of whack lately because Little Bear is eating more solids and nursing less. This is causing some very un-fun hormonal levels. So, I caught myself yelling in anger at my boys last week. It would never be because I told my perfect children to do three things before I was out of the shower and I came out to find that none of it was done. NO, my children would never completely disregard something that their mother said. And their mother would never completely lose it and yell at them. That never happens here.
But, really, it does. This is not pretty stuff to share, but it is real and if you are a mama and are struggling with anger, know that you are not alone.