The Queen of All Mother Bears

My mother is like a force of nature when it comes to protecting her kids and now her grandkids. First of all, she is a beautiful red-head who commands your immediate attention when she enters a room. This is just merely with her presence. But when she speaks, especially in anger, people have no choice but to listen. 

This used to make me nervous when I was just a shy little girl hiding behind her leg. But now I see that I was blessed with the Queen of all Mother Bears. I remember her marching into my Junior High School to have it out with my cheerleading advisor who had reprimanded me for something that I no longer remember. What I will never forget is the feeling of great vindication that my mother believed in me and was willing to come to my rescue. The scene was not pretty. My mother is not one to people please and I am not sure if that advisor ever got a word in edgewise, but the issue, whatever it was, became a non-issue. I am sure that the woman did not ever want to see my mother again. This is one of many examples. The great thing about her is that she never cared a whit about what people might think, that they might not like her, or if they even thought she was crazy. It was more important for her to cover me and shield me with her great wings and allow me to hand over the problem to her.

I am not a force of nature like my mother. I tend to like to keep the waters calm and I am fabulous at making things comfortable. However, I have realized in the last few years that I am the only one who can be the Mother Bear for my kids (unless we take grandma along). I need to be willing to sacrifice looking like a nice person all the time and be willing to look a little crazy sometimes. Because ultimately, my children will be part of my life forever and everyone else along the way may not be. I think when we believe our children and trust them, it makes them want to be trustworthy.  I think when we protect and fight for them, they learn they are more valuable to us than anyone else. This doesn't mean we don't teach them how stand up for themselves; It just means that there are some situations where the Queen of all Mother Bears needs to come out. 

Throw a Stick at me Cuz Mean Words Hurt

So my dates aren't right on my posts because I waited to post that last one. This weekend I went to a birthday party for one of Ty's friends so I got to witness the preschool social dynamics in person. Without provocation, the girls yelled, "run, it's Ty" and ran away from him. He looked at me and said, "See mommy, they don't like me." I think it is just a game these little girls are playing, but it is hurting my little guys feelings. 

So I went with my angel mama's witness account of the dinosaur throwing and my new info from the party to talk to the teacher this morning. Hooray- thank you Lord- it was a relatively cry free conversation. She said she would look out for the kids running from him and singling him out. That's all I wanted. This woman knows me and knows I'm the first one to admit my flaws and those of my kids. I don't see them through rose-colored glasses. But, I still hung out and observed for a little bit. After all, this child is my job right now. I had things I needed to get done, but he's mine and nobody else is going to look out for him like I will. 

So he goes up to one of his good friends and the kid (we'll call him Timmy) yells to me, "Ty says you said I have to play with him." Obviously, my fabulously orchestrated  and well-practiced role-playing exercise has not worked. Ty has gotten something total different out of our talks. So, I call Ty over to me. Then, Timmy says, "Ty, you're a liar." I give the kid a dirty look. I can't help it. I review with Ty that he should just quietly join in, he doesn't need to say anything. He runs back over to Timmy and another boy and they dig a hole. After watching a bit longer, I walk over, kiss Ty goodbye and say bye to the other boys. Timmy says, "I'm sick of playing with Ty."Okay, so now I have the deep desire to turn into Rebecca DeMornay from "The Hand that Rocks the Cradle" and tell this kid off. But, I have self-control and instead tell him, "That's a mean thing to say and if you don't want to play anymore, you can just walk away." His reply, "I don't want to leave my hole." I walk away, tattle on him to the teacher just so she is even more aware of the situation, and breath deeply all the way to my car.

One of my dear friends once said that whoever made up the saying, "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me" is an idiot. I agree with her that I would rather be hit with a stick than have mean words spoken to me that stick with me. I am sure Ty will be fine. He is resilient like most kids are and preschool is meant for these kinds of lessons. But, still, a little like middle school, sometimes I think it would be nice to skip it all together.

Preschool Drama and Tears

Okay, so this is my third child going through preschool. I am an old pro at this now. I no longer cry, like I did with my first child Luke, when the teacher pulls me aside and tells me that my child is having difficulty cutting with scissors. In that case, I headed home and had Luke practice diligently with those scissors until it had knocked any more negative scissor commentary out of the teacher's mouth. Though I thought I was beyond crying when someone criticizes my child, I did it again today.  This I could chalk up to week 33 of pregnancy hormones, but I suspect that it is more due to the fact that I fiercely love my children.  

So, here are the goods. Ty, my four-year old is boisterous, funny, very big for his age, never mean spirited, but can knock things over at times. He loves his friends. The problem is that they are not showing him the love. He complained to me last week from his car seat as we drove home from school-

Ty-   "Mommy, why did you send me to school today? I was so sick."

Me- "You were sick, honey? What's the matter?"

Ty- "My feelings were hurting so bad."

Me "Why baby?"

Ty- "The girls yell Ty is coming and run away from me."

At this point I try to explain to him that they are just playing and they like him. But then he comes home next time and says, "Nobody wants to play with me." This becomes his mantra. Can you just hear my heart breaking for him? But, he also tells me that his friends become invisible or turn into giant ice cream cones and don't taste very good so it is hard to know what is true. I ask the teacher what's up. This woman has had all of my children and I love her, so I'm not bagging on her. She tells me he is doing fine and the dynamics of the little group of four boys change daily. They are working out their issues. I don't bring up the girls issue because I'm not sure if it actually is an issue. Oh, issues in preschool- Grrrrr!

Then, after school today, Ms. Teacher pulls me aside and tells me that Ty threw a dinosaur at little girl. It was a soft dinosaur. I first ask if the little girl is okay. She is.  As I said, this is not a mean boy. If he was, I would tell you. So I say, "What happened?" She said she didn't know what led up to it, but she could tell he was hurting and frustrated. She had a big talk with him about it. And there start the stupid tears! She said he was hurting and that was enough to throw me over the edge. I try to put on my sunglasses, but they start fogging up because my pregnant body is over-heating. I want to get my boy and leave, but she starts telling me how he doesn't know how to join in a group. He comes in and knocks things over to get attention and the kids don't like it. This does not help the crying situation. I walk away hand in hand with my socially inept child. 

 

Now, this is my third child. So, I talk myself down and realize that my 8 year old, who also had his own preschool issues, is functioning exceptionally now that he is in second grade. Ty will be fine. But he is hurting now. Lord, I need wisdom here.

Fortunately, we have a play date with another preschool child who is not in the little group with issues. The mom is kind and has four children. I tell her the story. There is good news. This woman has info. She tells me she was there when it happened and saw a group boys and girls who were talking and yelling and he walked away sad, with his head down, picked up the dinosaur and threw it. She said it hit the little girl, she wasn't hurt but this angel of a mama said she thinks it was just bad aim. Oh, clarity. My little guy had been trying to tell me this was happening to him amidst the crazy giant ice cream cone stories. A little truth.

I'm a problem solver so here's the plan!  I'm going to talk to the teacher again and try not to cry or demand that she make all children speak nicely to Ty, but instead suggest kindly she watches to make sure he is not being ganged up on. In the meantime, I do some role playing with Ty. I play his friends and he practices coming up to play with me by just sitting down quietly next to me, not knocking anything over and not speaking loudly. He does this over and over fabulously. We next try me being a friend who doesn't want to play with him. I say, "Ty, I don't want to play with you."  He says, "That's okay. I have other friends." and skips away. The skipping is my idea- it says "I don't need you, you big meanie."We practice this one over and over again. He likes the skipping; it is a newly acquired skill. 

Transparency- A Mother's Rope to Sanity

Transparency- this is not an easy task for women, but mothers have discovered that it is the rope by which we hang onto our sanity. Before we have children, we can afford to fake it because when you are centered on yourself, faking it pays off. However, when our existence becomes entirely about another person and that person, small as they may be, does not cooperate with our faking it, we must know that we are not alone. I need to know that my child is not the only one who refuses to say please and thank you no matter how many times I have emphasized its importance. I need to know that my child is not the only one who bites every member of his family and then some. I need to know that I am not the only mother who cries every time a teacher discusses a problem or weakness with my child. This is why mothers must choose to lay our weaknesses and failings at one another's feet. So we know we are not alone.

I have a hard time around new mothers sometimes because I  feel like they are faking it because they are still telling themselves that they can do it better than the rest of us (like they had thought all along). I want to say, "Come on, tell me how you feel like crap, you don't know what in the heck you are doing, and you feel like the worst mother in the world." But then I second guess myself and think, "Maybe they really do have it together." So I keep my mouth shut. But, what if that mom needed a little truth and I didn't give her a rope to sanity?

So here, in this blog, I will be truthful about my journey of parenting, my weaknesses and failings and my triumphs. Because yes, there are triumphs too! 

Mamas- we are so fortunate to have these little people who take our eyes off of ourselves because I know if my focus had stayed on me, I would have really been sick of myself by now. Think of the gift they have given us- they have taught us to be real, authentic, transparent.